Friday Free For All - Marriage of almost 33 years and counting

OK, so not exactly, since it takes two, and he is working and has such a way with words and quickly (read that quick biting wit) that if he were here he would one up me most of the time - not that I wouldn't give it a good fight and win a round or two. If you haven't yet read my Thursday Thirteen (just below this post) it is about us -- our 33rd anniversary is coming up!

People, a few anyway, wonder how we made it, especially if they knew us toward the beginning of our relationship: I've no clue and no patience to research it or decipher what I come up with. So, obviously, it wasn't because I was patient. Or was it? I was patient in a lot of ways, as was he:

  • We patiently, in a manner of speaking, waited for the other to grow up. Notice, I said we. Not that we were teenagers when we married, on the day, he was 25, I was 24. (Leon, I hear you in my head, I DID grow up. . . kind of, sort of, well, in some ways.)
  • We patiently, in a manner of speaking, tried to each raise our son by our own methods (Now that was the true free for all, had we only had Dr. Phil back then.)
  • We patiently, in a manner of speaking, tried to change each other to our own way of thinking and doing. (OK, so that failed miserably - but hey, what a challenge to participate in!)
  • We patiently, in a manner of speaking, tried to follow our own hobbies, dragging each other into them in some way. (If you think going to Hafla's to watch belly dancing for hours repeatedly over years is really cool, ask Leon about it. If you think going to bars when you HATE cigarettes more than most anything you can think of just to watch your husband play darts well, ask me about it. And don't even ask Leon what it feels like sailing with me freaking at every power boat within view.)
  • We patiently, in a manner of speaking, tried to make (yes, make or coerce - the first 25 or 30 years) the other one not just see, but agree with our side. (Leon, you did, too, you just went about it a different way than my in your face method. Man, I've lived with you so long I don't need you sitting here to have a free for all... how awesome.)
  • We patiently accepted the underlying personality of the other. (Notice, please, I left "in a manner of speaking" out of this one.)
  • We did/do NOT make up before going to bed after a fight, because to us that it was like sweeping something under the rug to make a big huge lump. . . Yes, we did carry things over into later years, because we both had/have such strong views on some subjects. Yes, some days one or two will leap out like a rabid dog. But, I refer you back to the word accepted in the previous point.
I could keep this up all day, but I won't, you get the gist of it, we had a lot of hurdles like most marriages, and patience was both a falsehood and a complete and deep underlying truth. We were patient, in a manner of speaking, because we both knew/know that being married to each other was what we did/do want. We were impatient, too (OK. I know you read stubborn into this, so yes, stubborn, too.) What we didn't know was how to 'marry' two people's ideas and fend off the baggage of different upbringings with ease.

Like some, unlike others, we had outside interference to add to the mix -- from the beginning -- but we refused to let those people pull us apart, whether they were intentionally trying or otherwise; we held together like we had been super glued. At one point we thought of having special wedding bands made up to reflect that we could not be pulled apart. (No, not super glued, but I don't want to share my idea, yet.) I found a jeweler to create our design, but we never had the cash, so never approached him.

What we do have is a bond, others have noticed, even those that probably wish we didn't have commented on it. I don't have a clue how we got that bond, other than one day at a time, one realization at a time, one mouth shut at a time, one mouth opened at a time. . . and patience of some kind deep down inside.

What we do have is plain old fashioned adoration of each other and the ability to see how ridiculous the other person is at times and we laugh -- yes, at each other, but that usually allows the one being laughed at to laugh at themselves and it becomes a memory of laughter together, but I don't suggest trying that at home, it is a fine line to walk. . . guess I can walk a tightrope after all. . . Hmmm. Wonder how far I can push him without our falling off?

No, not going to try that, a few years ago my balance was a bit better than it is now, and his was never quite as good as mine. (Hey, Leon, they already know you do more right than me, allow me this one.)

Live life y'all, some days it is a struggle but oh so much fun at times!


This Eclectic Life said...

What a beautiful testimony to what sounds like a delightful marriage of two minds, two hearts, two souls. Celebrate with glee, my friends (I can count you that without ever having seen your face---your words help me to "know" you).

I'm STILL looking for where I hid that "cat!" So much for having four e-mail accounts!

Marcia said...

Oh yeah, we are "married". Thank you,Shelly, my friend. . . I hope you find that cat. . .and that it is a beautiful cat with some hair to it, I heard from several bloggers that the cast off fur makes wonderful bird nest material . . . when 'real'. Leon said he doesn't need "no stinky cat that requires feeding, guarding, raising, and monitoring, and consuming valuable hours from his life style. I have raised my children thank you. One, one still lives at home." (He said it as I wrote it, he walked in as I was typing. - and yes, I believe he was referring to me as the second child.)

Matty said...

Isn't it grand growing up together? I guess that's what it's all about...patience, tolerance and that mysterious bond. I hope you have many more wonderful, crazy years together! Enjoy!

Marcia said...

Matty - thank you, we are going for more, as much as we loved raising our son and for those years our niece, empty nesting has not been a bad thing AT ALL. . . Only thing missing is our RV or cabin in the mountains on the ocean on a plain and on a lake with a creek in WA - all on one lot. . .heeheehee. Oh, and the money, and the theatre next door and someone to take care of the dog I want and fabulous artwork and our son next door and my brother, etc. . .

Clockworkchris said...

Arg-gonna try this a second time-I did the word verification wrong and lost it all. Hate that thing. Well I had said I avoided this blog because it had a co-author and I can't keep up with two minds at once, but now I understand a bit more. It's nice to find out so much great information about you and marriage. I am only at 7 months so this entry was extremly helpful. I know that men in general try to fix things and I have done plenty of that already instead of listening. Seems like in 33 years I might have it down. :)

Marcia said...

Chris - you and a few others will be happy to know I am going to attempt in the next few days to get the verification part off -- been planning to, but too many things to do.

Marriage for most of us is not a simple thing, it is give and take - if you had read previous entries you would have heard that for us it may be 50-50 or 90/10 or 10/90 or any other strange combination of give and take. . . but you guessed right listening is a big key and there is a bit of reading between the lines -- but really it all comes down, I think, to loving the person you married, not the person you are hoping they will be, if they change more to your way of thinking, sometimes that is great, but it is not necessary on the small stuff AT ALL - it just seems it some days -- and those days, well, you just grin and bear it. . I have to tell you our first three years were ROUGH ---- for both of us, I think. Hang in there, y'all.

Leon is listed because he is supposed to be bantering back and forth with me, but his time has just been tied up with work and other things.

I'm glad you came back and gave my words another chance!