11.6.07

In the Clouds - Not ready for today

I truly think this group of clouds reflects my mood! I am high because I love getting up every day, peeking outside, having my cup of tea and toast, or coffee and scone, spending time with Leon and losing myself in the written word, mine that tumble out, and those of y'all and whoever else I stumble upon. I am low only because Leon had to return to work, and on top of that, after a restless night. I know working for a living is his reality; he does it without complaint, he accepts it, even as I throw, implant, and expand grandiose ideas into his head. Some of you have heard them before - and I am relentless about reminding him. . .

I know what is in his heart, he may hide it, somewhat, from others as he goes to work and puts his mind on work, but I see the behind the scenes -- we all have behind the scenes -- some of us are lucky enough to have them observed -- some are lucky enough not to have me driving them crazy by reminding them of their dreams quite so often -- when their work ethic has been so deeply ingrained since the age of 14 or 15, like his. He hears this and more often in recent years, since the days in South Florida we dared to dream of leaving Florida.

I have always dreamed, but never with so much abandonment of security as I have in the past 15 months. I was always the security freak - in all terms of the word. Today I am high on my dreams. . . I already live my true dream. I write whenever and as much as I can. I write with care or abandonment, intelligently or carelessly, filled with emotions of the hour, even of the tiniest moment. I can take that dream with me anywhere, there is nowhere I cannot put pen to paper. That dream is met, it can be expanded, and has already expanded, but the dream is in place and already more than I had dared dream. But that is not enough for me. . .

I have seen the intense concentration, the work, the joy, the satisfaction, the disappointments, the competition, the team playing, the love of Leon when he is acting, not just on stage, but through the entire process. . . He gave it up, like so many of us, for that 'better job', that next wrung on a ladder. . . that job with too many hours and crap attached to it. . .

He, like few others, said, "No more!" to the too many hours attached by crap and the climate we disliked. YES! Everyday we wake up happier. It was here , in Washington, I dared to dream and follow that dream. He stumbled (literally) into a job he likes, enjoys most days! But the hours make acting difficult, if not impossible. We eat, we have a decent house, a great yard. It is NOT ENOUGH, for he knows what living part of a dream feels like, for fifteen years he lived it. I want it back for him. . . that would be my greatest and most unselfish gift to him. . . to bring him back to his dream. . . I see it taking hold, I see the wheels turning in his brain, I see him struggling to cast off the "provide for my family first ethic", I see him daring to consider auditioning again. I see it all, even though some he intends me not to see.

I also see that I have caused frustration. He is being pulled in two directions. I know it would be more than enough if he could just work hours that would guarantee he make rehearsal and shows. . . I would settle for that half of his dream. . . because I know it would be more than enough for him. . .

I know I have made it sound like living a dream is worse than not. . . because if you have to leave it for any reason, you will be miserable. But that is not the whole truth. The rest of the truth is that like love, it is better to have lived your dream and lose it than to never have lived it at all. . .

And trust me, I know that is fact. He listens to this, as I drag him somewhat willingly (for he is strong willed) to RV shows and resorts filled with trees and lakes and birds and deer:

  • let's sell the house (We are soon, I hope - though he has fallen in love with the potential in our yard and hill, so I have a twinge of guilt, though staying here is not a reality unless we win the lottery. . . and even then, I know there are a few places we would love even more than we love this)
  • do what you love most, Leon - act. You are a born actor, who has also taken the time to hone your craft. Your dream is to support us by acting, though you know the realities are most actors cannot support themselves. . . so you choose the responsible way, and as much as I want to scream that you did, I am ever so grateful that while our son was growing up, you, I, we both chose that path. But now, my head is up in the clouds, even with the buildup of "thunder and lightning, very very frightening," I think it is scarier that you do not follow your full dream, than not. . . (Quick, Marcia, grab a star for him - before you duck back to earth and realize how scary that idea really is!)
  • let's RV and see the Pacific Northwest, at least, workamping to pay for our site, and live on my teeny tiny retirement almost until it runs out. . .then at 62 or 64 or so, someone, will hire us at something so we can eat and have a roof over our heads -- or maybe, just maybe, we will have written that perfect play, or novel that someone just has to read or buy for a friend, or blogged our way to success (notice, I said OUR, Leon).
  • let's buy a teeny tiny lot and build a teeny tiny cabin with a teeny tiny garden in the country -- but near lots of theatres so you can act all the time. Yeah, we will live on my teeny tiny retirement income, grow our food (you will just have to fully come over to the vegetarian side). Of course, we will need a tiny creek for ambiance, and trees for shade from the couple of months of summer, and a sun room with skylights for the gray winter light to blaze in (heehee) and with lots of windows that open so during the few summer months here we can transport ourselves to our winters in Florida on the screened porch by our pond. (hey, when I dream, I dream big, so to speak). I will have that dream place to write with the birds singing and cool breezes gently turning the leaves from side to side, you will have your entire yard (though teeny tiny) to design and plant and rake slowly, as if it is a work of art (it will be when you are through). Our sun room will become your rehearsal studio, old habits die hard. I can see your putt strokes, your pacing, the darts thrown at the triple twenties or the bulls eyes, landing on their mark more often than not, all while listening to and speaking lines until you know the entire play as well as the original author. I ran lines with you few times in those fifteen years of your commanding presence on stage, for I was not needed often for that process and it was one of the few times you had Leon time. I can still see that look in your eye and hear the tone in your voice the few times you were tired and irritated because you had forgotten one too many lines as you are learning them, and I dare to correct a word order -- one too many times.
  • Live your dream, Leon, you deserve it.
  • Let's volunteer at something together, Leon, if you aren't working so many hours we would have time. . .
and so on. . . all the while I am living my dream, I am pushing that he live his - at nearly any expense, because I know that merely by living our dreams, we become better people, because in living our dreams, we see the possibilities for others, and we reach out to help them. . . Just do as I say and not as I do. . . don't push quite as much as I do. . . especially against a hard working responsible man. . . for really, that is living a dream, too, isn't it?

Man, the things that come to the forefront when I write. . . even I wonder how I got to that last sentence from my first words. . . but it makes sense to me, in the end. Not sure it will to y'all, but then, it may start you thinking about something!

I, however, will be singing bits of that Queen song, I quoted above -- all day long.

4 comments:

Matty said...

Go for it Marcia, you don't have anything holding you back. 20 years from now you don't want to have regrets. Show Leon on paper, that this dream is feasible.

Marcia (MeeAugraphie) said...

Matty, I can't believe you waded through all that. . . If I could only make it work on paper - that is the catch - but I am still trying creative accounting!! Thank you for your nudge!

lisa said...

The is a great step in actualizing the dreams you two have together. This would really be living life to the fullest potential. You have the will and I believe you will find the way!

Marcia (MeeAugraphie) said...

Lisa, thank you for commenting on this. I really understood your remark, living life to the fullest potential. I think you have given me another weapon in my arsenal.