Leaks, of the human kind (Contest entry)

This is my entry for the contest Shelly of This Eclectic Life, is holding for the second time: This Blog "Blows My Dress Up" Contest.

Now, if you haven't read Shelly yet, or don't know that expression the way she does -- you may read a bit more into those words than are meant. . . although that might be funny in and of itself. Great humor y'all, that is all she is looking for. So, let's all pile it on her!

So, please, read my entry, but then run find something funny you have written, or write a new one. The more of us that enter, the happier we will all be -- following more links than we have time for and laughing with each other! After you have read my story of leaks of the human kind, click the link and share your fun with us.

(The following written in all its unfounded glory, by Marcia in 2004, as a class assignment, altered today to reflect more of the real me.)


Leaks, of the Human Kind

Our water bed failed us. It leaked. We had no bed other than our son's crib, so we threw down blankets and pillows on the rust multi-toned sculptured shag carpet in our small living room. (It was the late 70's, that carpet WAS in style back then.) Deciding to make it a family moment with our barely toddler son is where I made my first mistake.

"Leon, let's let him sleep with us on the floor. It will be fun."

Yes, he agreed, too tired to argue the word "fun".

So, we all snuggled down for an almost comfortable night, considering beneath the carpet and cheap padding was a hard terrazzo floor (and I am the princess that feels the pea). A warm, cuddly family moment. The kind memories are made of.

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling something hot and wet in my hair.
(No! Not that.)

(Shame on you making that first guess. Or son was there! He had wiggled his way from between us to just above my head. The wicking action of his fancy disposable diapers did not contain the profuse amounts of liquid that came from his tiny body, but my thick, long blonde hair certainly attempted to suck it all in.

To add insult to injury, he missed his dad completely, not one drop went his way. Was it that special bond a toddler has with his mommy that kept our son close to my head? Was Leon saved from the flow because of a male toddler’s innate knowledge that letting the stream flow toward his dad was not a wise thing to do -- a manly self-preservation instinct that diverted it toward me? My initial guess? A bit of both.

Fast forward about ten years. Someone else’s child had a really, really, rough day. I sat in the hallway on the cold, hard terrazzo floor and took the child in my arms, leaning against a pillow propped on the wall. The child and I were both so tired that we fell asleep, slipping down the wall a bit. I woke up again to that hot wetness being absorbed quite efficiently by my cotton jeans and less efficiently by my bare legs beneath. That time Leon was not even at home, there were no conflicting theories to cloud the facts.

Instead, I faced the facts, motherhood. It's all motherhood's fault. I now wait -- and wonder. What will happen when we finally have grandchildren? Now being a woman of action (at times) I prepare for any future grandchildren or great nieces or nephews:

I, Marcia, today vow never to have a water bed again. I want no excuses for a family moment on the floor with a toddler.

I, Marcia, today vow to find something waterproof to sew between two soft cuddly blankets for those cuddly moments in the hall or my favorite chair. Could this be why when my son was getting married I felt the urge to move to a colder climate, to a place his love of heat would never allow him to follow? Was this my own self-preservation?

Are my weaker arms but another form of self-preservation? Did I allow the muscles to go somewhat flaccid so I would have an excuse not to raise an infant above my head. . . just in case?

And yes, in case you are wondering, I have always counted my blessings. . . starting with these:
I am thankful that they missed my face!

I am thankful that although they decided to do a number on me, they chose Number One!


This Eclectic Life said...

OMG, I laughed so hard that cola snorted out my nose! Well, not quite, but it's an "interesting" visualization. Thanks for submitting this, Marcia...it's great.

Marcia (MeeAugraphie) said...

This Eclectic Life - Shelly, sorry it didn't actually, since you shared the thought, but either way, I now consider my entry successful. Can't wait to laugh at all the rest.

Crimson Wife said...

Oh yeah, BTDT! Not the shag carpet part, LOL, but the co-sleeping/diaper leak bit :-0

Thanks for sharing :-)

Marcia (MeeAugraphie) said...

Crimson Wife - It is nice to know I was in good company. Thanks for telling me!

Genesis said...

Your post reminded me of all the times I have been soaked by babies and toddlers, first those that I babysat for, then my own. I can only imagine that some day it will be my grandchildren as well!

Marcia (MeeAugraphie) said...

Genesis - Suppose it is a rite of motherhood, but some days it felt like just being singled out. I'm sure the grandchildren will want their turn. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Absolutely Bananas said...

ewwww! I can't imagine that there's anything worse than pee in your hair. But great post!

Marcia (MeeAugraphie) said...

Absolutely Bananas - I can think of ONE thing worse, but your "ewwww!" pretty much summed it up. Thanks for commenting.